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Domestic violence and our Society

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by:
Tharmila Shabanathan

Life, love and trust; how many of us really know the true feeling of these words. I mean yes, we might know what life is but it’s only when we live it that we will learn the full true meaning of life, love and trust. If you take the article ‘Domestic violence and our society’ in the Issue 72; we can learn how life really never stays the same. That particular article was written by the victim’s friend who goes onto explain the difficulties her friend went through and still going through. But I was mostly touched by the ending when the writer actually says “I do not know to what I can do in short of me physically taking her away from the monster that is her husband. But I know that is not for me to decide. It is a decision that Nanthini must make herself. Until that day comes, I will be waiting by her side”.

I firstly decided to write about this particular issue because a similar story has been happeneing to a close person of mine too. Just reading the article made me cry and even think twice about life. I mean no one know’s what’s going to happen next, I can even be shot in the head while writing this article or have a heart attack or I might even win the lottery. Anything can happen, so in this situation should we really hate one another and treat others so cruely. It’s a question only those who hate and do cruel can answer but as for me I can never truly hate anyone or be cruel to anyone.

Going back to my close person, she is still going through all that beating and suffering still just like the Nanthini in the other article and yet she still have not decided. I guess as girls we can understand why any girl would not want to leave her husband even in this situation. Yes I MIGHT SAY ‘ IF I WAS IN HER SHOES I WOULD HAVE KICKED HIM OUT OR I WOULD HAVE KILLED HIM”  but is that really what I would do, I really don’t know. It’s only when we experience the full pain for ourselves that we will actually know for sure.

I am a very childish and very gullable person in many cases and tend to just trust everyone but now I would defenetly think twice. But then again aren’t everyone nice at the beginning I guess it’s that in time love and affection fades away and what is left is hatered. Many of us talk about true love, and always loving eachother but really how many of those families are still here in europe countries that actually have true love for eachother; its hard to tell.

Even if we leave love out of the question how about sympathy or even a bit of guilt. The two victims husbands involved in this; do they have any sort of feelings because if they did they would not be beating women up. I mean how can any husband have the heart to hit thei wifes ; who’s cooked for them, taken care of his needs, made him happy, help him in rough times and been there for him all day and night. Any sort of man who does has no right to even live in this world.

Comments

6 March 2009 - 1:38pm — Sintujan

Gender Generalizations?

I wouldn't be quick to make generalizations like that about men. I can only speak for the men in our Tamil community and even when we narrow it to that scale, this issue is complex and its root causes must be addressed. Tamil girls who have been brought up in the Western society tend to have a stereotype that Tamil men are violent and abusive. Much of this steretype comes from observing their own fathers acting violently against their mothers or uncles against aunts etc. Just like the mentality of a new generation of Tamil women is different from the mentality of the old generation of Tamil women - this also holds true for men. Back then, there were distinct gender roles and men were to meet the expectation of being the protector and breadwinner of the family. Women stayed home - cooked, cleaned, and raised the children and hence taking on a passive role. Secondly, women were not educated as much as men in the older generation - they did not possess the knowledge or authority to argue or fight back. Thirdly (and perhaps most importantly) many of the older generation marriages were arranged marriage where the couples did not know each other well prior to marriage. This can increase the chances of misunderstandings, arguments, and quarells which evolve into violence. Divorces are also frowned upon in our society, thus the couple feel like they MUST stick to this relationship whether they like it or not. The older generation of Tamils (our parents generation) still are affected by these three root causes and thus explaining domestic violence.

These expectations don't necessarily influence the younger generation, Tamil girls are much more educated and are able to think on their own and fight back - love marriages are on the increase and people do know each other better than before - Tamil men now are more educated and open minded and thus have the capability to address problems more constructively rather than resorting to violence.

20 June 2007 - 9:00pm — suvethiga

I AGREE!

Men think they are so clever! They think they can get on top of our heads just because they are physically stronger than us. It proves that they are so mentally weak and that is why they have to use violence as an excuse to control women. Funny how they end up saying that 'you made me do it'! They all need some discipline lessons from their mother all over again (this should include some spanks and whips) as I think men behaving violently is due to the way they were brought up. I BLAME THE PARENTS!